Anger. Hurt. And the deepest frustration. I realize that being angry at God is not right, and yet, that is how I feel. Life is NOT going like I would like it too and since God is in control of it, I’m blaming Him. Now, even as I am writing, I know that by the time I’m done, I won’t be angry anymore. I just have to express myself because the pain is too great and too real to keep swallowing it.
Tonight was hard. Being unable to conceive makes all of life difficult but especially time spent with people. Because, in our circles, where there’s people, there’s families. And where there’s families, there’s babies. And where there’s babies, we hurt.
It was Grandpa’s birthday and it was a special evening. I was looking forward to being with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. But the little ones sitting on laps and the two swollen bellies where unavoidable. I couldn’t help but notice the daddies that held babies instead of getting food with the rest of the men. I couldn’t help imagine how wonderful it would be if Jon had a sleeping baby to hold like my uncle does.
But what hurts the most is that, that’s normal life for them. And I’m supposed to sit there like everything is perfect and I’m happy, when deep inside, I don’t even want to put a smile on my face. And nobody seems to notice. I wondered today if anyone ever asks my mom why we don’t have children yet. I wonder if the people at church just take for granted that we’re happy the way we are. I wonder if anyone notices the pain.
I feel like something’s wrong with me that I want to be a Mama so bad. I feel the scorn of “You’ve only been trying a year?? What are you worried about? Give it some time.” And the only advice I ever hear, “Just forget about it, then it’ll happen.”
“You said what??!!?? Forget about it?? Forget about the thing that is so near and dear to my heart?! Forget about my deepest desire, my obsession?? Let me ask you, ‘Have you ever forgotten about your obsession before it was fulfilled? Can you tell me how it’s done?'”
Forgive my brutality. I guess tonight it just hit me again and I feel like I absolutely can NOT go on like this! I am so ready to move on to a different set of problems. My problems never change and they never get solved. I just can’t stand it anymore! And please, if you’ve never dealt with infertility before, don’t judge me too harshly. I know very well that my attitude is wrong and that I desperately need to change. (And as a side note, my “pre-ttc self” would never have understood this post. I would probably have judged myself quite harshly so I will try my best to forgive you.)
Back to “forgetting about it”. That is actually what I wish the most I could do right now. I wish I could be free from this constant unfulfilled desire. I thought the only way to forget about this desire, would be to have it fulfilled. I realize though, that in God’s kingdom, this probably works otherwise. Now I believe that God could easily get rid of my desire by fulfilling it. It would be no big deal to Him either. But for some reason, He chooses to continue to let us go through this trial. I’ve pleaded and prayed to know what I’m supposed to be learning through this period of infertility but I haven’t really gotten an answer. I know God needs broken vessels and people completely devoted to Himself.
I’ve definitely gotten a lot more familiar with being broken lately but am I completely devoted to God? The simple answer is “No.” My first desire right now, the desire that takes up all my spare time and energy and is constantly on my mind is, unfortunately, not God Himself. It’s my desire to be a parent.
Now you might not respect me very much after I say that and to be honest, I don’t respect myself either. But, it’s true. I’ve found it so again and again. Yes, I do desire a better relationship with God. Of course I do. But do I want that as much as I want to bear a child? I wish I could say “Yes”.
I know what it’s like to have a “Vision that cannot be dimmed, a passion that cannot be quenched, a destination that will not be abandoned” (quote from “Love with Shoes On” by Darrel Champlain). But that desire is not where it should be. Oh, how I wish it was! How I wish that I could be so on fire for the Lord! But there is something in the way and I’ve basically told God that if He would take away my “thorn in the flesh”, I would focus my passions on Him. But God is a jealous God. He wants my passion now, not later! He wants all of me, not just the part that’s left over after I’ve wished and dreamed and planned for my little baby.
After I think about those things, I realize that I don’t even deserve to become a parent. God doesn’t owe it to me. I have way too much to learn first!
Now do I think that you have to be perfect to be a parent? Of course not! But I feel like God is using our inability to conceive childrent to teach us some valuable lessons. Now I wish that He would have found a different way to teach us, but this must have been the best way and I will not wish for someone else’s cross!
So now I’ve come to the point that has flustered me till now. In order to serve God fully and whole-heartedly, I will have to give up this desire. That part doesn’t seem so complicated. However, Who do we believe gave, both Jon and me, the desire to become parents? There is no other answer than God Himself! Who gave us a miraculous promise that we would become parents? God. Who continues to give us promises in His Word when we ask? God.
That is what I don’t understand. Just the other day, a well-meaning friend told me again that we should just not try anymore and then it would happen. I received the advice for how she meant it but inside, my reason was asking, “How do you quit trying when you have such a clear promise that it will happen?” I guess I just answered my own question. If God has said that He will do it, why am I worried about it? Why don’t I just leave it in His hands and trust Him to do what He said He would do? And if He doesn’t do it in my time, I need to still keep trusting that God is changeless and that to Him, time doesn’t matter.
So I ask for your prayers. This is not a “give-it-up-once-and-done” thing. This a constant “laying on the altar”. I wish it could be done once and for all but for now, I will choose to surrender every time the desire is awakened. Whether it be by the families around me, the baby section in the stores I visit, the baby product advertisements on my phone, or my “Momma-bear-heart”. And I will “Seek first the kingdom of God.” Not for the “things that will be added” but for the sake of serving God. I need your prayers for this though. I have tried to do this too long in my own strength and I know I need to go in God’s strength, through your prayers.
P.S. To those of you who have come alongside us, a big thank you!! You don’t know how much it means and how emotional it makes me every time someone promises to pray for us and our little miracle <3. Thank you also for lending a listening ear and for sharing encouragement as you could. We do not take that for granted. You are proof that someone does care and we appreciate that a lot!
P.P.S To those of you struggling with infertility, my heart goes out to you. Infertility is only understood by those who go through it. Or maybe it’s some other sort of pain that you feel similarly about? I hope this post can somehow be an encouragement to you to leave all things in God’s capable hands.